Dear Webbernets,

How is it possible that someone who isn’t me has been using my Gmail address on her résumé and for various applications of employment/admission to colleges for years now? Does she not wonder why she never gets confirmation emails for her online Papa John’s orders? Or that Solid Gold Razz Red Raspberry Leaves 1 lb Container from VetAmerica? Why no one ever gets back to her, ever, about anything? How can anyone be that shit-witted? Good luck getting into Meredith College with those fantastic basic reasoning skills.

It was fun fucking with her Twitter account, at least. And reading that message from her estranged father about how he hoped to reunite with her, but knew how difficult it would be. And deleting her multiple attempts at resetting her Google password so far this week.